Crisis averted.

In the past, the only hazard associated with my kids' toys has been lead paint and small, detachable parts (a.k.a. throat plugs). Now, I've got a new problem to worry about: tiny, moving blades.

Behold, The Worst Gift for an Eight-Year Old. Ever.

Jam N' Shred Pen

When I first saw the name, I thought "shred" was just hip, kid lingo. I didn't realize it referred to an actual shredder. This reveals that:

1. I'm not as cool as I thought I was, and
2. I now need to carefully review each and every item on the kids' lists for items that may get them maimed or expelled from school.

Thank you, Grandpa W., for catching my near-tragic oversight. Thank you for not shrugging it off with a, "She must know what she's doing," and instead, calling Mark and asking, "Is she nuts?!"

I am eternally grateful.

I researched the Jam N' Shred Pen (a little late, I know) to learn that it is indeed a writing instrument, but it also has a tiny paper shredder and FM radio with ear bud. Here, check it out for yourself. Apparently you can:

• Listen to your favorite radio station while you write, with the built-in tuner and ear bud.
• Use the shredding feature to keep your notes out of the wrong hands!
• It fits right inside the Password Journal (sold separately) for extra privacy!

Reading the product reviews was hilarious. My favorite review is actually more of a tirade. I believe it was written by a kid, or a semi-literate adult with ADD.

Here it is, unedited for your amusement:

I Bought This Toy At Ross For 68 Cents, Along With A Rare Happining Hair Barbie, And It Was Okay, I Didn't Hate It, Infact, There Was Not Much To Hate, Or Dislike. This All In One Is A Pen That Features An Fm Raido With An Earbud At The Top, And A Paper Shreader. All Great Stuff, But Not Good Because The Little Time Of Day Children Have At School To Learn, They Use This To Melt There Pre- Heated Cheese.

In The Packaging, An Ink Refill Which Is Amazingly Tiny Is Included, Also THE ONLY PAPER THAT WILL EASILY (EASILY=DECENTLY)FIT IN THE PAPER SHREADER,which is not that big (smaller than an unfolded gum wrapper) is included.

The Radio Is Pretty Cheap, The Pen Has To Be Facing A Certain Direction In A Certain Angle (It Will NEVER Be At An Angle In Which You Can Write And Listen) And Must Be Held That Way Without The Slightest Movement, Just To Once Again Realize That Yoko Ono Is Not Your Favorite Artist And That FM Stinks Packaging Quote " Listen To Your Fave Songs By The Hottest Artist This Summer" Unquote Well Which Summer Is It, There Has Been At Least 6 Since This Was Released, And Unless This Included A Magical Device Which Allows It To Constantly Update Itself In Entertainment Purposes, The Raido Stinks Too.

The Shreader Could Of Been Better, On Account Of It Is SO TINY it Only Fits The Paper Included, And It Always Gets Shreads Caught In It That You Cannot Get Out And Tend To Cause Problems When Shreading Paper.

The Pen Does Not Write Very Well And If You Forget To Twist It Back Then It Will Never Work Since It Dries Out So Fast. The Unig Itself In Not That Easy To Hold And Writing With It Will Cause Blisters.

Overall It Is Not That Great, But If You Get It For 68 Cents Like I Did, You Will Get What You Paid For. 68 Cents Is Not Alot For Those Who Don't Get It. It Is Overpriced Here, Go Buy It At Ross.

Two thoughts:

1. It's sad our schools have failed so many.
2. Doesn't this person understand how FM radio works? ("Unless This Included A Magical Device Which Allows It To Constantly Update Itself In Entertainment Purposes, The Raido Stinks Too.") Wah?

Anyhoo...

I can say with certainty that even if the shredder can only accommodate slips of paper the size of a gum wrapper, my kids'll figure out how to jam any number of items into that thing. I can hear it now, "Mom! I got my tongue stuck in my shredder!"

Sorry darlin', Santa won't be bringing this little gem this year or the next.